Monday, January 16, 2012

The Monster In The Kitchen

There is a monster in the kitchen.  I had not realized it when we first moved into my doghouse here.  But recently it came to my attention.  This big black shiny thing used to capture my imagination because inside of it is a bunch of good stuff for the tummy.  I know for sure that my wet food is in there cause I see my humans reach in and get it every morning when it is time for my medicine.  So I had a love relationship with the monster.  But now I think we have one of those things my humans refer to as love/hate relationships.  The darn thing makes me sooooo mad!

It started one day pretty innocently.  There was this little beep noise that came from the monster.  I thought about growling at it, but decided not to because that one human of mine who likes to mutter a lot mumbled something I know I'm not suppose to say outloud and have witnessed human children being fed soap when they say. She seemed pretty upset and muttered about expensive and money.  Well, this little beep continued for a couple days and then became a chirping, beeping, blurting obnoxious thing.  I had enough of that!

I knew for sure that this thing in the kitchen really was a monster based on the hissing sound it made every time someone filled a glass or my bowl with water.  I had suspected because it hid the food where I could not get to it, but these monster noises it makes prove it. So whenever I hear that thing making its noises I run in to protect my family.  I growl and bark and tell it not to mess with us.  I might be a little dog, but don't mess with me.  People should know better than to mess with little people, we pack a wallop!  I've gotten so clever that I am fully prepared now.  If I even hear a glass come out of the cupboard or the water being turned on at the sink to say, wash out my water bowl, I start growling and walking over to the monster so it knows not to say anything or else.  It keeps making the noise though.  If I could only find a way to bite it.

A few days ago my humans brought something home and shoved it into the monster and it stopped making its strange growls and snorts.  That hasn't stopped me!  I continue to growl and bark at the monster when that water thing on the front gets turned on because I know that I'm the real reason it stopped making noises.  That monster in the kitchen knows who is boss of this doghouse.

Saturday, January 7, 2012


Last night was laundry night in this house.  I love laundry night cause my favorite thing to do is to jump into the pile of clean clothes straight out of the warm dryer.  I burrow in just like a kitty, like I bet my pet kitty would do.  Speaking of which, I haven't seen Tiger all day.  My human hollared at Tiger good yesterday, so I'm wondering if it got scared away.  Hmppff!

So last night I was doing my thing and burying myself inside the pile of clean clothes while my human murmured something about not knowing why she bothers to clean them.  She was listening to music at Big Dawg Music Mafia, which seems like a rather boring website to me.  Who cares about big dogs?  Little dogs least according to me.  This countryesque song came on and my human got excited and started doing this thing she told me was two stepping while she folded laundry.  Why are humans so strange?  I watched for a minute and then buried my nose further into the laundry.

Next thing I know, I'm airborne!  My human scoops me up and starts twirling around with me while holding one of my arms out to the side.  I'm not sure if I should push away, relax or hurl on her.  I try the pushing thing, bracing my arms against her and pushing back while she saunters around the bedroom.  She pulls me closer and I consider the puking angle.  I don't exactly understand why I sometimes see my humans doing this twirling thing around the house all by themselves, but I really don't understand what makes them think I want to partake!  But then I realized she was having a good time, so I gave in and went limp.  Once she was done she plopped me back on the laundry and I tried burrowing in again, but now the laundry was no longer warm.  Great!  No point in messing around the laundry anymore so I decided to have some fun with the toilet paper.  I love grabbing the end and running.  The first time I did this when I was a puppy, I got my picture taken and lots of giggling about how I had TPed the bathroom.  Now I just get "the look."

I don't think I'll ever understand humans.  I'm watching one of my humans right now and she is muttering stuff about debates and a president.  Wonder what I can get into while she's distracted?

Friday, January 6, 2012

My Pet Kitty

This morning I went out to take my jaunt around MY yard and found the perfect spot to do what my humans call "my duty."  I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I do know it is something I do twice a day everyday and if I screw up and do it in the house, there is hell to pay.  So I was doing my thing and all of a sudden I hear my human say, "Oh crap!"  She bends down and grabs my collar and I'm wondering what is going on and then I see peeking through the firecracker bushes a set of eyes and then out pokes a head.  It's a kitty!  I've seen these before, but never up close.  I hear my human muttering, "Oh for heaven's sake" and then she hollars' "Scram!"  You see, she doesn't like cats.  But I think I do.  I know my friend Patton, who is a dog, likes cats.

The kitty came all the way up to me and we bumped noses.  My human kept sticking her foot out trying to keep the kitty from getting close to me and kept telling me not to bark or growl.  I'm not sure why she thought I would do that because I had decided that this kitty is going to my pet.  My humans have pets, I'm not sure if that is what those green leafy things all around the house are or what, so why can't I have a pet?  This kitty is way better than all of those dead squeaky things I get locked up in the bathroom with.  So I invited the kitty to come in the house imagining all the glorious fun things I was going to make my pet kitty do for me.  My humans always want me to do things like roll over, speak on command, heel and a lot of the time, be quiet.

So I headed for the door and kept making sure my kitty was following me and it was.  I was so excited, wagging my tail.  And human yelled again at the cat to scram and the door was quickly shut before my pet kitty came in the house.  What gives?  I'm owed this after the crappy Christmas I had.  Can you believe all I got was some stupid plastic frisbee that I don't even know how to play with and the freaking thing doesn't make sounds!?  Sure I got a promise of a cool bed when my humans can "afford" it, but I run the show around here and I think I should have gotten the most presents.  This really has me outraged!  So I decided something and you have to promise not to tell.  I'm going to keep my pet kitty and just not tell my humans about it.  I can see the kitty still sitting in the yard, so it knows that I'm its owner now.  I think I'll name it Tiger because it has stripes on its side and I've seen those things on TV before.  Shhhh...don't tell!

Thursday, January 5, 2012


That's my way of saying "Hi."  I'm Rafiki and I'm a 7 year old female Maltese - pure bred, catch that...PURE bred!  And yes, I am a girl even though my name comes from the movie The Lion King, in which the character Rafiki, played by a freaking monkey, is male.  The Broadway production of The Lion King has always been played by a female.  So Broadway got it right!
I live in Florida, but I was born in Colorado.  While I appreciate the move from a state where it got so cold sometimes that my humans would have to run out and pick me up out of the snow as I sat back on my back legs and lifted my frozen front paws in the air, I seem to be allergic to everything in Florida.  I had to even change the food I eat and no more table scraps.  When the doctor said no more table scraps, I wanted to bite her leg!  I eat this venison and sweet potato stuff and I thought it was really good, until I noticed that my sister Dakota has different food.  Yeah I got a sister, I'll tell you about her in a second.  She gets special food too, but I can't have her food and I really want it!  My humans always mutter about how expensive my food is and that Dakota's food is suppose to be bland, so why do I always try to eat it and stuff.  Because it is Dakota's food!  Not sure what they don't get about that.

Dakota is five years older than me.  She's supposedly pure bred Maltese too, but she has six freaking tell me!  I was her birthday present for her fifth birthday, but she treats me like I'm invisible.  She once told me that she wasn't a dog and that she is actually a human! *Gasp*  I told her to look in the mirror sometime.  So anyway, she won't play with me no matter how hard I try.  She gets up if I lay next to her too!  Sheesh!

My favorite things to do are sleep and give tons of kisses.  Maltese are the dogs of a million kisses and I live up to that for sure!  I love to sit outside too and sniff the air and go for rides in the car with my head out the window.  Being a dog is great!  One of the things I hate is having to be locked up in the master bathroom. I know I just sleep all day, but I like to choose where I do that.  I also hate taking my allergy medicine every morning because I'm allergic to everything.  I'm suppose to take it on an empty stomach and then I have to wait to eat for a freaking hour!  Wait to eat?!  What gives?  So I hatched this little plan and made it impossible for my humans to give me the pill.  I fought, I spit, I carried the pill in my mouth and spit it out later and finally I started puking.  And it worked!  They finally started hiding the pill in a little wet food and told the vet tough about the empty stomach thing.

So that is basically me.  I can't wait to share my opinions on a whole assortment of things.  I am the center of the universe, so I have a great perspective to give my opinions from.  If you don't like those opinions...tough!